the battle of love and hate

i'm totally confused n lost... i dunno what to think or wat to say abt my relationship with my x.. for once i thot thing would be more peaceful or nicer... but sad to even know, he's becoming more heartless...

y do i say this? it is all becoz of the incident happened few days ago.. i can say it is an eye opener to me.. a wake up call.. or should i say a one tight slap on my face.. i do felt so wrong for reacting that way... but he forced me too.. he forced me to be cruel.. he forced me to treat him the way i dun wan to... i hate doing thing which is not me way..

i tried to be the best that i could... i try to give the nicest treatment i can ever give.. i tried to reconciliate us... maybe not as a couple but as a friend... i tried to bring the closeness like before... but to thing again, do i deserve the pain that he gave me... or maybe does he deserve to be treated with all the kindness... i dun think so...

sometimes i feel like taking a hammer and knock onto his head... or maybe poke his eyes and make him forever blind... the hatred in my heart is keep on burning.. the love for him is burning too.. but i dunno which one will win.. either the love or hate...

many people been asking me all sorts of bonus questions... but i'm sorry i can't give any answer... as me, myself dunno wat to do... i, myself couldnt gurantee that i can stay for the next five year... i can't even gurantee that i could give him the happiness he deserve... previously, i might say that no matter wat i will keep on waiting for him.. but the question is TILL WHEN?..

Few days ago, i talked with someone... someone whom i treat like my own brother... he know everything that's been going on in my life... especially about me n my x.. so on that day itself, he ask me how long i'm going to stay... am i going to be the happiest girl if i ever going to get him back.. or am i going to be happy for the moment and go back to the person that i used to be... well the thing is that i dun noe... i will be the happiest girl in the whole universe if i ever going to go back to him... but watever it is, it all depend on him... it takes two hand to claps, rite?... so for my side, there's nothing to be worry about.. as i have been here trying my life thru jus to be with him.. n i have been single for i dunno how long just becoz i still have the mindset that i'm going to be his... so it all depend on him... whether he going to co-operate with me.. putting hand in hand with me going thru the thick n thin of life together.. whether he going to give me the happiness that i deserve...

i can do anything for him.. jus name it , i will do it.. in the name of love, he's still mine... in the name of reality, we r nothing... so i pray hard that one day the ans will come.. whether we going to be together or not,... or whether we have to go thru like this till the end of life...